Waking up this morning felt good.
The feeling of dread was no longer in the pit of my stomach and the anticipation of departure didn’t loom over my head. It was replaced with a feeling of peace. Almost as if I could feel a blanket of prayer covering me.
As I lay there in bed watching Ryder sleep, I was reminded of something very important.
I’m his mom.
It’s my job to do what I think is best for him and protect him. He needs me and depends on me in the way that God wants us to need and depend on him.
When my children run to me out of need and throw their arms around me, something inside me happens. I melt. It fills my heart. I would do anything to feel that WANT and NEED all the time, wouldn’t you? What a gift that is! THAT’S how the Lord feels when we come to him too.
“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”-Proverbs 22:6
Yesterday, in my mind, I could picture the Lord holding me. No words. Just strong arms reassuring me that it was ok to fall apart. It was necessary.
Today, I feel revived! Clear headed and focused. My wounded heart is glazing over. No longer bleeding but not yet scabbed or scarred just yet. The healing process has begun though.
“Let your father and mother be glad; let her who bore you rejoice.”-Proverbs 23:25
Forgive me if these entries run together a bit. I blog throughout the day as feelings and thoughts come to me.
As we drive through New Mexico today I feel a sense of excitement starting to spark inside me. I find myself looking ahead and not behind. For example, researching the weather temperatures in South Dakota. Planning a week’s worth of dinners and writing out my grocery list. Calling and talking to Sherry, Rance’s mom, and hearing HER excitement also brought me great comfort. You see after Rance’s dad passed away five years ago, she’s lived alone. So you can see just how huge this move is for her.
I’m drawn to the strength that must have required.
Being forced to go on everyday after losing your spouse and maintaining a healthy outlook is probably one of the hardest things to do in life. There is no plane ride, road trip or phone call you can make to visit. But she’s prevailed. She grieved and then did what she had to do with the broken pieces she had left. She waited on the Lord to fill her life with the things HE wanted and now…she won’t be alone anymore.
“One who is faithful in a very little is also faithful in much, and one who is dishonest in a very little is also dishonest in much.”-Luke 16:10
I don’t know why but the closer we get to South Dakota the more at ease I feel. Its as if I’m reminded of all the reasons I wanted to move in the first place. The beauty that is beginning to surround us feels so good to my soul. Its like warm sunshine and water for a wilted flower. I just want to lift up my hands and face and give praise to God for this sweet little moment of warmth inside me.
I deserve this and I’m worth it.
“Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.”-Psalm 37:3-5