Pulling out of the driveway of my parent’s house today was WAY harder then I anticipated.
The images of my parent’s heartbroken, tear-stained faces will be burned into my brain forever.
It kills me that I’ve caused them so much pain. It was never my intent. My heart aches so much…
I can barely see through my tears to type this. I don’t think I’ve cried and waled this hard since I had my first heartbreak in high-school!
As the miles behind us grow larger and we get farther and farther away from the only place I’ve ever known, I find myself opening my Bible for strength. Crying out to God to breathe His truth into me and keep me focused. The enemy is waiting in the wings. Almost riding along side of our car, ready to suck me into a pit of lies that I’m alone and have no where to turn but into depression. I refuse to believe those lies! God IS who he says he is! He was THEN what he is NOW and he’ll continue to be with me in South Dakota. Afterall, it was he who led us there and opened up all these doors.
I have to remember that.
The BIG picture.
But for now, I can’t help but grieve.
This car ride is just so long and its only day one of three.
I try to park my mind in a happy place. For example: Images of the corn fields, the Missouri river surrounding our new home and Rance’s wonderful family. And then images of my sweet dad playing with Ryder flash before my eyes and I fall apart… The sound of their laughter… Images of the joy that would come across my mom’s face as Riley would greet her with open arms everyday… I feel so bad for taking that away from them. I feel so guilty for pursuing my own true happiness. My dream. I can’t explain how hard this is for me. As much as I know that this is for the best and a huge blessing for OUR family, my heart is so heavy today. My mind is clouded with so much emotion that I can’t think straight!
I hope that each new day will bring healing, hope and joy. Its my plan to blog everyday of this road trip. This will not only keep everyone posted but also provide an outlet and place to pour out my soul.
I guess all of this is normal right?
I’m sure it will get easier…
As for right now though, the tears won’t stop streaming down my face.
I have to pull myself together for my boys. Riley is so in tune with what’s going on. He asks me why I’m crying and if I’m better now?
Sadly the only thing that would make me better right now is just one more hug from my mom and dad… I feel like a little girl who just needs to see her parent’s smile and voice telling her its all gonna be ok.
If any of you out there pray, I would please ask that you would pray for our family. Pray that my parents would find comfort, peace, healing and hope in the future. Pray that we would be reunited very (very!) soon for a visit and that all of us would adjust quickly to what’s just happened. Pray for reassurance. Pray for the Lord’s will in their location and that one day (soon!) we’ll be close again.
Thank you in advance.
“I lift my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.” -Psalm 121:2